A CRUEL LADY MUGGER REDUCED ME TO TEARS!
OK, it's early days for my religion based on the XX Chromasome, er , community. (That intro needs a bit of work)
But I want to build this new church on solid foundations. So we have to go into Womanly Worship with our eyes open.
Not all women are Mother Theresa. Or Daisy McAndrew. Or Ruby Wax.
Let me tell you the story.
Like a lot of people, I'm feeling the pinch. So I've tried hitch-hiking at night, rather than get burnt by cab drivers. But I never get much luck. She (my domestic God) said I probably look too intimidating.
As I said, I'm quite big, have got a face that would frighten a horse, and I'm quite good at boxing.
She suggested I tone down my clothes style to look less aggressive. Then people might see I'm OK and give me a lift.
Her make-over on me worked a treat. Within minutes of standing by the curb, a young lady pulled over in a VW Beatle and told me to jump in! Rock and roll!
We soon got chatting, and got on like a house on fire. I complimented her on her dress, and she said she liked the way I'd matched by bag and dress.
Then, everything changed. The flash point was when I reached to fiddle with her cigarette lighter. Suddenly, she became very taciturn. Was it the issue of smoking? Or was it some female territorial instinct? Who knows? You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. She straight batted my attempts at conversation. Social skills aren't my forte (my wife has a much keener instinct) and I never suspected anything was wrong.
Momentarily, she came out of her mood. "Oh, Mandy," she said, "do be a love and have a look and see if the boot is locked properly." Suddenly we had pulled over and I was tottering on my heels to the boot - just as the bitch roared off, covering my dress in exhaust fumes.
I was furious.
What really upset me was that my bag was still in her car. Well I didn't mind, a bag's a bag. But what really upset me was that inside the bag was an axe that my grandma gave me, on her death bed.
You just can't replace those things!
Anyway, when I got to the police station, I must admit I let myself down. I sobbed my heart out to this kind policewoman, and she took down my details.
Policewoman Jobsworth said there's not much the police can do about this sort of thing. Apparently, these incidents have been happening to people all over the country!
So, you see, not every woman is a god. We must be careful that our idols don't have feet of clay!
I'm over it, but there are emotional scars. Every time someone says 'Matchee Matchee', a shiver runs down my spine!
Take my advice, never take a Louis Vuitton handbag with you when hitch-hiking, no matter how late for you are. And leave any family heirlooms at home.
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